meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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