My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
