dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
