so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
