A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
