thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
