from now on my penis is your penis
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
