after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
is it fun? or sober?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
