i just wanna soil my oats bro
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
