Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
