she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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