I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
