I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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