when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
