Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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