I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
