I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
