remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
