With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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