Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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