rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
