I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
