So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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