We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
