Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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