So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
