Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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