I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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