I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
