If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
