Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
