need another drink. this is the easiest way
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
