He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
dude. I can hear the air.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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