some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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