Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
