it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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