I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
