Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
