she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
