ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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