he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
