So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
