I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
