Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
