the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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