Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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