Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
