i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
