I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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