he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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