It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
