my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
