I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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