This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
