Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All the doctor said was why
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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