omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
