I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
