its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
