Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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