having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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