I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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