I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
